It Takes One to Tango by Winifred M. Reilly MA MFT

Author:Winifred M. Reilly, MA, MFT
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gallery Books

YOU CAN ASK FOR EVERYTHING—BUT YOU ARE OWED NOTHING

In one of my early consultations with Jim Maddock, he made a statement that made me wonder if this whole business of becoming more separate wasn’t suspect after all. I was telling him about a client who had a list of complaints about her husband that was a mile and a half long. Week after week she’d regale me with tales of poorly washed dishes, lost keys, agreements made and then ignored, speaking with an air of outrage and misery that I found difficult to take seriously.

“What you’re looking at,” Jim said, “is a person who believes she’s entitled to have the spouse of her dreams, when she’s not. None of us are. Remember, Winifred, we’re not entitled to anything.”

Nothing? I wondered.

“Of course, it’s our job to ask,” he added. “In fact, it’s healthy to ask. After all, who else is going to advocate for your needs, if not you?”

My first instinct was to protest, to say, “Isn’t that what partners do, they advocate for each other’s needs?” But no sooner had I formed that thought than I realized how unrealistic that was and how silly I’d sound, given the struggles Patrick and I had faced, the two of us at times worn out and frustrated, barely able to advocate for ourselves, let alone for each other.

Even so, what Jim was telling me seemed sort of harsh. Part of me hoped that I’d misunderstood him.

Me: You say it’s my job to ask—but are you saying I’m not likely to get it?

Jim: No, it’s your job to ask, though you have no guarantee of getting it.

Me: By “not entitled to anything,” you mean we don’t get any guarantees?

Jim: Yes, because your partner is not obligated to do what you prefer—though it’s possible that he’d do so out of his own generosity.

Me: So people aren’t even required to be nice to each other?

I was growing even more dubious.

Jim: Being nice is optional, though I highly recommend it.

Me: What if someone’s partner wants something ridiculous?

Jim: Ridiculous or not, we always have a choice whether to say yes or no.

Jim and I went back and forth for a good while as I peppered him with questions and he maintained his stance. In the end, I realized that he wasn’t saying it’s a dog-eat-dog world or that partners should run roughshod over each other’s desires. His point was that it is vital that we ask for what we want from our partners because it gives us our best shot at having a satisfying and enjoyable life. But we must be ready to accept disappointment and to somehow meet our own emotional needs—to soothe our own hurts 7—as there is no guarantee that our partner will comply with the requests that we’ve made. Recognizing and accepting that we’re neither entitled to get what we want nor required to give what we’re asked makes the whole matter of giving and getting far more of an adventure than I’d ever imagined.

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